My feet aren't on backwards; yours are.

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 02:20:51 GMT

I'm safe at my sister's house. No fiery plane crashes hooray. Did you know my sister has a person living inside her? We spent a good five minutes marveling at how totally weird this is.

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 04:14:28 GMT

I'm going away to visit my sister for six days. I will still be Twattering from my phone. And I think she has wireless, so really nothing will change. So um, carry on.

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 03:16:38 GMT

So there is this man who is the CEO of AOL. Normally I'd have no comment further than "ew", but his name is Tim Armstrong, which means he's clogging up my Google alerts. I don't even understand why he's in the news so much. If you were CEO of AOL, wouldn't you curl up in a hole in the forest and cry? I am sick of this man's shit getting mixed up in my shit, and I want to fight him.

In related news, my default cell phone ringtone is The Transplants' "DJ, DJ". Mike gets Rancid's "Journey to the End of the East Bay" and my sister gets The Monkees' "Daydream Believer". Other than that my only ringtone exceptions are that I use The Used's "Choke Me" for a few people from work. That's because "Choke Me" (either because of the song itself or how I made it into a ringtone) is insanely loud. I ignore my phone about 90% of the time, but this way, if someone from work calls and I'm asleep, I'll hear deafening screaming and immediately wake up.

Today during the adoption class I had my cell phone muted, as usual, but suddenly "Choke Me" started playing, albiet softer than usual. I freaked out first because I am pretending to be a responsible grownup here and everyone is going to hear "Choke Me", and then because these classes are at night, and if work people are calling me at night during the summer, something seriously weird must be going on.

The ringtone ended and I took my phone out of my purse only to find that it WAS muted, and there were no missed calls. The spirit of Bert McCracken has possessed my phone wtf.

In conclusion, HELLO SEX FACE. I LIKE YOUR SEX FACE.

I would hit that so hard that Lars Frederiksen would feel it.

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 05:51:26 GMT

It is 2am and I can't sleep because I keep thinking about giant squid.

Awesome things about these pictures:

1. The existence of Tim Armstrong, hotass standard by which all other hotasses are judged.

2. Scalp tattoo. Maybe I'm weird, but that never stops being sexy.

3. I also have a thing for the hat.

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 02:54:25 GMT

So I'm Google-image searching and reading up on tentacled animals on Wikipedia, as one does, and I came across this:

The tentacles of the Giant Squid and Colossal Squid are particularly formidable, having powerful suckers and pointed teeth at the ends. The teeth of the Giant Squid resemble bottle caps, and function like small, circular saws; while the tentacles of the Colossal Squid wield two long rows of swiveling, tri-pointed hooks.

My fic just got so much more interesting. Also, I am never going in the ocean again.

Fanfic: Best Friends (Tim/Lars, Rancid)

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 01:41:27 GMT

Title: Best Friends
Author: valerie_z
Pairing: Tim/Lars
Rating: PG-13
Notes: Takes place when they were recording Let the Dominoes Fall demos at Branden's house. References Rob Aston of the Transplants. This is not my best work. Next one's NC-17, I promise. All my fanfic is here. Thanks for reading it.

Lars walked into the practice room just as Tim said, "See you Saturday, man," and hung up his phone.

Tim picked up his guitar and sat on the couch, absentmindedly strumming the solo of the song they'd just finished. They were on a lunch break, and Matt and Branden had run out for food. "Rob's gonna visit this Saturday."

Lars sat on the other end of the couch and hoisted his own guitar to his lap. "Rob's a sociopath."

"Nah, he's my best friend," Tim said as he stopped playing and quickly tuned his guitar.

"I'm your best friend."

Tim didn't look up. "Rob's my best friend when you're busy."

"That's not really how friendship works." He strummed the guitar experimentally. "The word 'best' suggests a singular friend."

Tim switched on the amp beside him. "Jam?"

Lars responded by playing a familiar riff. As was their custom, they played everything from Rancid songs to their favorite bands to ideas they'd just started developing, moving smoothly from one song to the next. It was instinctive, like with their singing, the way one of them would bust out lyrics during practice and the other would immediately start doing the harmony.

After a little while, Tim signaled to stop. He went into the kitchen and returned with two cans of soda. He handed Lars one of them.

"Rob loves Hitler," Lars said as he accepted it.

"You're welcome," Tim said.

Lars opened the can and took a sip. "It's true. He once told me Hitler was misunderstood."

Tim shrugged off his guitar. "Maybe he was."

"Frida Kahlo was misunderstood," Lars said. "Hitler was fucking Hitler, man."

Tim leaned back against the arm of the couch. "You're jealous."

"Of Hitler?"

"Of Rob." He smirked. "You're jealous I have another best friend."

Lars put his guitar on its stand. "And again, I don't think you recognize the significance of the E-S-T word ending."

Tim pointed at him. "You know why Rob's a good friend? Once he fought some kids who were after us."

"Those 'kids' were the opening band," Lars told him.

Tim frowned. "Once he chased away some groupies."

"That was your cousin."

Tim tilted his head back and closed his eyes. "Once he fought some skinheads."

"He is a skinhead."

Tim shrugged one shoulder.

Lars took a long sip from his can of soda. Though it was snowing outside, inside was warm and comfortable. But for some reason he couldn't relax. He couldn't stop thinking about Rob the fucking psycho, the chord progression they'd written just before lunch, and how when he tried to sing with his wife, she fucked up the harmony at least half the time.

Lars looked over at Tim's still form and hummed three simple notes.

Tim responded by humming the same notes up a major third.

Lars leaned over and kissed him once, softly, on the lips.

Tim opened his eyes. "Fine, you're my best friend."

Lars leaned back.

Tim closed his eyes again. "Don't tell Matt," he said, and the front door opened, bringing in the cold and the smell of food.

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 22:54:39 GMT

Valerie: I wish my uterine lining was made of something other than blood.

Mike: I think you just named the Gerard Way-Bert McCracken supergroup.

Valerie: What?

Mike: Something Other Than Blood.

Valerie: They would not form a supergroup. They were boyfriends but then they broke up and married ladies.

Mike: But it's for Darfur!

Valerie: *cracks up*

Mike: The band will last exactly one day, until Bert sits down at his piano and says, "Gerard, given your own experience with Bandit Lee, I would like us to write a song for my future child, who I will name Gypsy Whore."

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 19:49:25 GMT

non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

This wins.

I have done everything on my list today but call my student loan company. I'm afraid they're going to break my legs.

Help me Buffy fandom people!

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 16:48:32 GMT

Does anyone know who created/has access to http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/kjproductions/? (I know it says KJ in the URL but it's not KJ.)

A lot of the stories seem to be copy/pasted from my old site bandofbuggered.com, which I don't care about at all. Seriously, you can copy/paste my DNA sequence and Twitter it IDGAF and thank you for paying attention to me.

But one author has to have her stories removed for super-important reasons.

If this is your site or you know whose it is, please comment or e-mail valerie@valerielewis.net. Thank you!

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 05:07:00 GMT

Meme stolen from girlneedsagun:

• Post ten of any pictures currently on your hard drive that you think are self-expressive.
• NO CAPTIONS!!! It must be like we're speaking with images and we have to interpret your visual language just like we have to interpret your words.
• They must ALREADY be on your hard drive - no googling or flickr! They have to have been saved to your folders sometime in the past. They must be something you've saved there because it resonated with you for some reason.
• You do NOT have to answer any questions about any of your pictures if you don't want to. You can make them as mysterious as you like. Or you can explain them away as much as you like.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 01:54:17 GMT

If anyone has an opinion about who in Rancid is most likely to spontaneously grow tentacles, please vote here. Thank you.

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 21:20:28 GMT

I created a community called rancid_fanfic. Join or I will kill you.

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 02:18:14 GMT

Just in case you care, I made an LJ syndicated feed for Rancid's Twitter. Just add rancidtwitter as a friend and it'll show all the Twitter updates on your Friends' List.

I wonder who's updating their Twitter. Whoever it is is very thorough, but has an issue with exclamation points.

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 16:01:50 GMT

Someone was looking for me at mcrficfinder. Yay!

The Used posted pictures on their Twitter from the Blood on My Hands video shoot. Apparently Bert is in jail and Quinn is a cop? I've had fantasies like this.

I have to go to the dentist today. :(

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 21:08:05 GMT

View Poll: Which is worse?

Valerie: 1 Nature: 0

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 19:22:51 GMT

Actually, nature should probably get more points for like, creating life, and um, not killing me with a tsunami today. Let's call it a tie.

BEFORE

AFTER

Abby stayed with me while I was weeding/hacking so that the woodland creatures could not attack me. It's actually a little sad, because before it looked like a magical forest of magic, and now it kind of just looks like we're white trash.

That big pile is all corpses of weeds. I filled two trash cans and then I just had to make a mass grave. I let the vines stand because I have no beef with vines. Also, sometimes they have clingy little fingers and they scare me.

Now that this is accomplished, my next mission will be ~~planning my Fall classes~~ finding all the Rancid fanfiction on the internet and archiving it.

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 17:16:54 GMT

I saw this today at the grocery store:

Issues:
1. You spelled "independence" wrong.
2. You spelled "quarters" wrong.
3. Those sparklers look like...pretty much anything except sparklers.
4. Today is July 7th.
5. How many of you, last Saturday, said, "Ah, Independence Day! Celebration of nation and family. Too bad IT'S NOTHING WITHOUT LEG QUARTERS!"

If you are sad about Panic at the Disco

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 02:25:28 GMT

If you are sad about Panic at the Disco, may I suggest: Rancid. Rancid is a lot like Panic at the Disco in the following ways:

- their band is comprised of four dudes
- they tour in a bus
- they sometimes wear hats
- um

Rancid can offer you the following things:

- they have been together for 15+ years, so they will probably not break up (though sometimes they get rid of their drummer)

- your parents will like them, as they are your parents' age. Also, anyone can be attractive at 22. It takes something special to be attractive at 43.

- they don't (or at least most of them don't) drink or do drugs, so they will not die

- their fans are very nice. I've seen them on every tour in the past 13 years and I've never been seriously injured.

- there is no fanfiction for them, so you can be the first hooray!

- If you like The Used, this is where Branden ended up

- If you like MCR, Mikey Way once Twittered that he liked Rancid.

- They (Tim) run their own label, and they (Tim) own the company that sells their merch, so you can rest assured that you are directly supporting the band and not "the man" (I'm not sure who "the man" is, but he is bad)

- they can serve as an excellent reminder to not get tattoos on your face

Here's their most popular album, 1995's And Out Comes the Wolves. It's zipped and should download straight from that link.

Personally, I like "Let's Go" the best, but "And Out Comes the Wolves" is the most popular.

If you'd like their newest albums, or a random collection of more songs, please join rancidfans and go to the "music" tag. The music is all in locked posts, but membership is open and unmoderated.

In conclusion, I am very sorry about your band, and I wish them well in the future, and I stole this from ONTD:

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 20:52:35 GMT

My weeding project began today. I got about half the weeds down. Some were as thick as trees. I left them in a pile by the shed to serve as a warning to other weeds.

Then I found out that my backyard, which is honestly just a pile of gravel and a shed, is the home to at least one small woodland creature. I screamed. No one - neighbors, passersby, husbands - came to my rescue. Then it poked its furry little head out of the bottom of the shed and I decided I was done for today.

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 01:02:38 GMT

Because Mike and I are classy people, our backyard is a big pile of gravel and a shed, and we use this area for our dog, Abby, to go to the bathroom.

In the beginning of Spring, I noticed that our pile of gravel was sprouting some weeds. I have an aversion to gardening because 1) bugs, 2) dirt, and 3) feminism*. So I figured I'd leave the little sprouts alone, and they would soon be killed off by living in gravel, getting peed on, or the onset of winter.

Then this happened.

In this one you can see the pile of gravel that constitutes the entire yard.

This is next to the shed.

My mother has informed me that most of that is rhubarb. The thing that troubles me is that this rhubarb has grown to Valerie-size proportions with no care, no actual dirt, and while covered in dog pee. Which makes me wonder if they are even really plants at all.

I wanted to post that here so you can laugh, and so that I have "before" pictures, because I'm going to clean it up, bugs, dirt, and feminism* be damned. I will either do it tomorrow or Wednesday. If I don't return, avenge my death.

* While I realize that gardening in and of itself is not intrinsically anti-feminist, it is a traditional woman's role, and my personal brand of feminism includes not falling into traditional women's roles when/if I can help it. Also, Mike already mows the front lawn, so he can do the rest of the stuff while he's out there. Also, I don't give a crap about flowers, except for maybe hyacinths, but just because Oscar Wilde used them as a metaphor for penis in a letter once.

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 21:50:01 GMT

OMG you guys it's the Bert/Pete we've always wanted!!!!

From Twitter:
WeAreTheUsed: Shout out to @petewentz for giving our new single some love. If you still haven't heard it, go here - http://tinyurl.com/lh3m3k

Okay, technically it's Jeph. BUT STILL!

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 21:41:44 GMT

Here's a card that my mom just gave me from her basement. My baby sister talula728 gave it to me 18 years ago.

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 04:30:12 GMT

I like the new Used song just in case anyone cares. Streaming at theused.net. Though is anyone else concerned that on the single's album art Bert has been Photoshopped into a woman with crooked eyes?

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 00:37:55 GMT

Me being a bitch to The Used on Facebook

How to Write Fanfic For Valerie

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 00:31:06 GMT

So let's say you want to write fanfiction for me, as say, charity work you can put on your resume. There's an oft-neglected pairing that I have attempted unsuccessfully to write throughout the years.

Maybe I'll try again to write it soon, but I'm giving myself a really hard time now about getting all my classes planned during the summer, and I have like five half-written fanfics anyway, so it's just not happening right now.

Tim (Rancid)/Bert (The Used)

Ponder it a moment. Just ponder it. Oh, yes.

Okay, so for the duration of this post, we are referring to him as "Tim" only. Tim from Rancid. Just because sometimes people Google themselves, and I have a lot of identifying information about myself on the internet, and Rob Aston scares the hell out of me.

In the other corner we have Bert McCracken from The Used. (Fuck it, I'm pretty sure I can beat up Bert McCracken if he comes looking for me.)

Here's a recent primer I did on Tim.

Here's a recent post I did about Bert kissing boys.

Tim was born in 1966. Bert was born in 1982. There is a sixteen-year age difference between them. You wouldn't really notice this if they were together, because Tim is pretty as hell, and Bert looks like a gang of narcotics got together and kicked the shit out of his face (I say this with love). But consider this - Tim was 16 when Bert was born.

Now, like Jesus, we don't have much documented information on Tim's adolescent years, so I don't know if he was sexually active at age 16. But hypothetically - hypothetically - he could be Bert's father. Creepy? A little. Sexy as fuck? Oh yeah.

As long as we're being creepy, here's baby Tim. God damn, he was born with great eyebrows.

And here's baby Bert! You have to admit there's a resemblance.

Okay, I'm sorry. That was way out of line. There's no way someone with Tim's eyebrows begat someone with Bert's eyebrows. Moving on.

Things Tim and Bert Have In Common:

1. Branden Steineckert is/was their drummer. Branden was the drummer for The Used from their inception in 2001 until 2006, at which time he replaced Brett of Rancid. I believe it was in The Used DVD Berth that Bert said the real conflict was between Quinn and Branden, and that he (Bert) still got along with Branden.

So Tim and Bert could share stories of all the crazy wacky things Branden's done like...be straight edge and....play the drums and....I don't fucking know he seems like a really nice guy.

Brandon's another one who's inexplicably getting hotter as he gets older.

I actually bought that Hellcat shirt because I saw this picture. One day the cashier at the Dollar Store was like, "Hellcat Records! I love your shirt!" and I was like, "Yay! Let's be friends!" except I didn't say that because my mom was with me and I didn't want her to think I was the type of person to make friends at the Dollar Store, though I am.

Branden/Tim/Bert threesome? I wouldn't discourage you.

2. Their bands saved their lives. After Operation Ivy broke up, Tim became homeless and an alcoholic. Matt suggested they start Rancid to give Tim a reason to get clean. This all happened sometime between 1989 and 1993, so Tim was somewhere between 23 and 27.

This picture is actually Tim cropped out of a band group shot and not hanging out on a streetcorner selling his body for cigarettes, but let's pretend.

When he was kicked out of his house/left his house (depending on who you ask), Bert became homeless and addicted to meth. He joined The Used as a way to get clean. He was probably between 17 and 19. (They recorded their first demos with producer John Feldmann when Bert was 19.)

Here's homeless Bert. (I don't think he's actually homeless in this picture; he's probably sleeping in John Feldmann's backyard. As one does.)

3. They play piano.
Bert plays piano on several The Used songs such as "Sometimes I Just Go For It", "Blue and Yellow", and "Smother Me".

Bert and Quinn playing piano.

The Transplants formed in part because Tim was teaching himself how to play piano, and I really think the piano parts in their songs are amazing, but I'm a huge piano whore, thank you very much Tori Amos when I was 12.

I can't find a picture of Tim playing the piano and now I want to destroy the world. Sigh.

4. Bert is a Rancid fanboy. Okay, I don't have absolute proof of this, but The Used's Branden and Jeph were into Operation Ivy, covered an Operation Ivy song (Unity) in their pre-The Used band Strange Itch, and got matching "Unity" tattoos.

Also, the early The Used demo "801 Underground" is kind of a rip-off of Rancid's sound. I'm not a music expert by any means, but it sounds heavily Rancid-inspired to me.

Based on this, I think pre-successful The Used listened to Operation Ivy and Rancid.

Here's Branden, while in The Used, wearing a Rancid shirt.

5. They both had relationships with fellow musicians that ended badly, possibly because of substance abuse, and then their exes married other musicians.

Tim was married to Brody Dalle of The Distillers, but they divorced in 2003. Brody then married Josh Homme from Queens of the Stone Age. One of the reasons things didn't work out was that Tim was clean and Brody drank a lot. (I think; I have no source for this.)

Bert was in a two-year relationship with Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance (adjusts tinhat; shut up). They broke up in 2005. One theory is that they broke up because Gerard got clean and Bert did not. Gerard then married Lyn-Z of Mindless Self Indulgence.

Ways Tim and Bert Can Meet and/or Have Sex

1. Bert visits his old friend Branden while he is on tour with/recording with Rancid. Sleeping arrangements are cramped, and Bert and Tim find themselves close.

2. Bert visits his old friend Branden while he is on tour with/recording with Rancid. He geeks out over how much he loves Tim, kisses Tim against his will, and proceeds to seduce him.

3. Bert visits his old friend Branden while he is on tour with/recording with Rancid. He geeks out over how much he loves Tim, kisses Tim against his will, and proceeds to seduce him. Before they can get underway, Tim stops Bert, kicks his ass, then tops him.

4. The Used and Rancid are on the same tour, pre-2006. (Did this ever happen? I really don't have the patience to research it.) Tim notices how self-destructive Bert is, and tries to give him an older-brotherly-talk about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. Bert is drunk and/or high at the time and makes out with Tim.

Reasons Tim and Bert are Perfect for Each Other

1. They both enjoy tattoos. Tim likes skulls and Bert likes...kinda girly shit. They can get matching girly skulls tattooed on themselves. It would be precious.

2. Their children would be musical geniuses. Don't tell me how babies are made because I AM NOT HEARING IT.

3. They both live on the West Coast. They wouldn't have to travel very far or relocate.

4. Convenience for Valerie. Since these are the only two bands I'll go out to see anymore, if they got together, they could tour together, and I could go to one concert a year instead of two, saving me time and money.

F.A.Q.

1. Are you off your meds? No.

2. Aren't both of these guys straight? Well...yes. We can look at the little gay clues all we want, but ultimately marrying women is a substantial heterosexuality indicator. But they don't have to be gay in real life; they just have to be a little bit gay for the time it takes you to write a story about them.

3. Wouldn't Tim, after spending more than five minutes in Bert's presence, smack the shit out of him? This is likely. However, it is equally likely that they'll fall in love. Many people ask my husband how he puts up with me when I do things such as say I don't want to cook because I'm writing a Tim/Bert slash manifesto, or look at the chicken I'm cooking and scream because I realize it's made of dead chickens. There's a thin line between wanting to kill someone and wanting to fuck them, and that line is made of love.

4. But how can I be sure I am capturing their voices authentically? This is why Dirty Homeless Bert-Jesus gave us YouTube.

Unfortunately all you can really get about Bert from interviews is that Bert really fucking hates interviews.

Here's Bert fucking around in the recording studio. From this we get that he should be written as a very silly person.

Have I mentioned my piano kink? From this video (from the same recording studio) we see that Bert is Very Serious about his pianos.

From this interview you get that Bert is kinda bitchy, kinda funny, and super gay for Quinn. Quinn/Bert/Tim threesome? I would not discourage you.

Let's move to Tim. This "webisode" shows us that Tim loves his guitar. No he really, really loves his guitar.

From this interview we learn that Tim is so laid back he's almost in a coma. Also he really, really loves his band.

5. I'm sold! What kind of Tim/Bert fic would you like me to write?

The options are endless, and each would delight me in its own way. There's:

tour sex
bunk sex
tentacles
high school AU
outdoor sex
D/s play
they could go to the Renaissance Faire
shopping mall AU
they get married and have babies
they beat the shit out of each other and then have sex
Bert detoxes h/c
time travel
tentacles
collaborating on a song
being spies
running a dog shelter AU
rival Mexican gangs in Mexico
Twitter romance
phone sex
bodyswap
genderfuck
professional wrestling
in space
on the campaign trail
X-men Crossover
tentacles
meeting Harry Potter in a public bathroom

We will end with this picture. It doesn't include Bert, but it's the most adorable fucking thing I've ever seen, including all babies.

Thank you for your time. Please write me fic.

As always, if there's a certain Rancid or The Used song you'd like, please let me know and I'll be glad to upload it.